Three Tips for You and Your Partner

Nearly all the couples I see in my practice tell me that their biggest problem is poor communication. While poor communication means different things to different people, good communication always involves clarity, honesty and openness. Follow these tips and you’ll be on the road to a happier relationship.

1. Make the implicit explicit: Steer clear of assumptions, which only lead to misunderstandings and arguments. Just because you want something doesn’t mean your partner or spouse knows what that is. Don’t expect him to be a mind reader.

Here’s an example: For several months Mike and Stacy planned to attend their friend’s wedding but they never made explicit their thoughts about what time to leave. Mike wanted to get on the road early but Stacy thought about getting some errands done in the morning and leaving around noon.

Neither expressed their wish to the other, so when the morning came Mike was ready to go and annoyed that Stacy wasn’t, putting them behind his “schedule”. She was angry with him for pushing her along and neglecting her errands. Needless to say, the ride was tense and uncomfortable.

The takeaway: Communicate your desires ahead of time. Granted, it takes time and energy to talk things out, but it’s well worth it.

2. Distinguish between what is said vs. what is heard: A seemingly positive comment by one person can be interpreted by the other as a veiled criticism, which almost always leads to an argument.

For example, a husband tells his wife, “That was a great dinner, honey. I really enjoyed it.” Since he doesn’t always praise her cooking, she hears his comment as a put-down for the last few dinners she made. So, she says: “Does that mean you didn’t like Monday or Tuesday’s dinners?”

He scratches his head and tries to explain himself. “I was just saying I really liked tonight’s dinner.”

“So, how come you didn’t tell me that Monday or Tuesday?” He responds: “I don’t know. I just didn’t.” She folds her arms and looks away.

So, what began as a compliment quickly turned into an argument and an ugly stalemate.

The lesson: Take the other person’s words as they are. And if there’s something you want or need (like more regular praise, in this example), let your spouse know.

3. Don’t be so quick to play defense: It’s our natural response to become defensive when we feel attacked or blamed by our partner.

But as long as the criticism is constructive – and done in a polite and respectful manner — resist the urge to defend your position.

Defensiveness is sometimes rooted in wanting to be “right” during an argument and proving our spouse “wrong”. When this happens, our stubbornness takes over and all we care about is “winning” the argument.

Lose the courtroom mentality and instead focus on what your partner is saying and how her suggestions might make you a better person. It’s OK to allow someone to influence us in a positive way; that’s how we grow and change.

For more help for you and your partner, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

This article first appeared on 4therapy.com in April 2009.