I’ve been thinking  a lot about the 70’s TV show ‘Columbo’ lately. If you’re old enough (meaning that you’re over 40), you remember Peter Falk as Lieutentant Columbo, the perpetually disheveled homicide detective of the L.A. Police Department.

The reason why I’ve been thinking about Columbo is that behind his apparent absentmindedness and simple-mindedness, he was incredibly effective at getting at the truth — and thereby solving one murder case week after week.

I’d like more of my psychotherapy clients (and readers of this blog) to act like him.

Now, I’m not suggesting you run out and buy yourself a trenchcoat and start grooming yourself as if you haven’t slept in a week. But I am recommending that you start speaking like Columbo.

There was a genius to Columbo’s apparent simplicity. He often said things like “I’m confused” or “I don’t understand” or “Can you explain that to me?” He often seemed like a child interviewing adults.

The point is that Columbo never pretended to know more than he did. And in asking the basic questions, he often got the killer or people close to the killer to provide damning testimony.

The truth was revealed not through any hi-tech gadgetry or intellectual wizardry but by Columbo’s admission of ignorance and asking the simplest questions. He made it seem like something all of us could do.

Many of us pretend to know what our significant other is thinking or feeling. Or we pretend to know what our boss or colleague expects from us. We lose a lot of time and energy acting this way.

Instead, say that you don’t know. Admit your confusion. Put your pride on hold and tell them to explain it to you so you can understand it better. Only then can you really know what they’re thinking and feeling.