Anyway, we went there so she could take a weekend painting workshop from her instructor, Walt Bartman, whom she takes summer classes from at Glen Echo. I tagged along, caught up on sleep, read my book, and explored the island for the best crab cakes.

In the past few years Reagan had talked to me many times about Mr. Bartman — mostly about her respect for him as a painter and teacher, and about his loyal following of students — so I felt like I already knew him fairly well when I finally met him.

He was youthful-looking, warm and friendly. Very likeable right off the bat. He made sure to greet me when I dropped Reagan off at his studio in the morning, and he let me take his kayak out on the inlet behind his house one afternoon. But the thing that struck me the most about Mr. Bartman (which is how everyone refers to him), was his passion for painting — something he’s been doing for some 40 years.

When he wasn’t walking around critiquing his students’ work in the blistering heat, Mr. Bartman was painting at his easel, standing shoulder to shoulder with them, a palette in one hand, a paintbrush in the other, a rainbow of paint colors smudging his worn shirt and baseball cap. He laughed and joked with his students, alternately teaching and telling stories. He looked completely in his element.

And when he hosted a crab feast for the 30 or so workshop attendees at his house Saturday night — on picnic tables set up on the grassy area between his studio and his house — the topic of conversation, was, of course, art. And he was most often leading it.

It seemed clear that for Mr. Bartman there’s no separation between his work and his passion. He’s created a life in which he does what he absolutely loves most in the world.

On our ride back home to Washington, D.C., I wondered about how rare that is, and what a fantastic gift that is to give yourself.

I think most people’s attitude about their job falls somewhere between mild like and active dislike. Part of that stems from the reasons they enter a certain career. It could be that they’re pushed by family, or that certain skills come easy to them, or that they simply follow the money.

But as a psychotherapist I wonder about the role fear plays in the career choices people make.

It’s my opinion that a good number of people choose safe, secure and conventional jobs or careers when they’d rather be following their one true love, whether it’s teaching elementary school, fixing motorcycles, or making jewelry. You get the idea.

I’m glad that Mr. Bartman followed his passion for painting. He chose love over fear. Not only is his passion contagious, but he seems to be living a far happier life than most, which is perhaps the greatest lesson he can teach his students.

For help in finding your passion in life, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

Call it a case of the “yeahbuts”. I get a lot of that in my office.

Granted, change can be difficult, even painful sometimes. It involves trying something new and different, stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s scary stuff for most people. I completely understand that.

But therapy is largely about making positive changes in your life, looking at what’s not working and modifying those old negative patterns. Sometimes these changes involve altering destructive thought patterns (perfectionism, for example), other times it’s behavior. Other times both.

Regardless, understanding that change is an integral element to therapy is key to achieving your goals of “I want to be happier” or “I want to have a better relationship” or “I want to be less stressed.”

Those who typically get the most out of therapy are the ones who say to me things like “That sounds like a good idea. I’m going to try that. Or “I can give that a shot.”

They add no disclaimer onto the end of their sentence. No “but”. It’s not that they don’t feel scared to try something new; they almost always do. Rather, it’s that they don’t allow that fear to limit them in reaching their potential.

These clients understand that failure is part of success. Not every new way of thinking or behaving that I suggest is going to resonate. Some things will work, others may not. That’s OK. Most importantly is that once they figure out the things that do work, they return to them over and over — often with tremendous success.

They also understand that predicting the future is useless — and incredibly limiting. For example, if they’re considering asking their boss for a raise they don’t tell themselves that he/she isn’t going to give it to them. They simply ask for it, giving equal weight to a best case scenario (boss says yes) and worst case (boss says no).

These same clients don’t assume that if they break up with their boyfriend of girlfriend that they are going to “crush” or “destroy” them. Making assumptions like that keeps people stuck — one of the very reasons people come to see me in the first place.

So, next time you want to make a change and hear yourself saying “Yeah, but”, stop yourself and do three things — accept the fear, don’t predict what others will say or feel, and make the change best for you.

If you’d like more help with making changes in your life, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

Nearly all the couples I see in my practice tell me that their biggest problem is poor communication. While poor communication means different things to different people, good communication always involves clarity, honesty and openness. Follow these tips and you’ll be on the road to a happier relationship.

1. Make the implicit explicit: Steer clear of assumptions, which only lead to misunderstandings and arguments. Just because you want something doesn’t mean your partner or spouse knows what that is. Don’t expect him to be a mind reader.

Here’s an example: For several months Mike and Stacy planned to attend their friend’s wedding but they never made explicit their thoughts about what time to leave. Mike wanted to get on the road early but Stacy thought about getting some errands done in the morning and leaving around noon.

Neither expressed their wish to the other, so when the morning came Mike was ready to go and annoyed that Stacy wasn’t, putting them behind his “schedule”. She was angry with him for pushing her along and neglecting her errands. Needless to say, the ride was tense and uncomfortable.

The takeaway: Communicate your desires ahead of time. Granted, it takes time and energy to talk things out, but it’s well worth it.

2. Distinguish between what is said vs. what is heard: A seemingly positive comment by one person can be interpreted by the other as a veiled criticism, which almost always leads to an argument.

For example, a husband tells his wife, “That was a great dinner, honey. I really enjoyed it.” Since he doesn’t always praise her cooking, she hears his comment as a put-down for the last few dinners she made. So, she says: “Does that mean you didn’t like Monday or Tuesday’s dinners?”

He scratches his head and tries to explain himself. “I was just saying I really liked tonight’s dinner.”

“So, how come you didn’t tell me that Monday or Tuesday?” He responds: “I don’t know. I just didn’t.” She folds her arms and looks away.

So, what began as a compliment quickly turned into an argument and an ugly stalemate.

The lesson: Take the other person’s words as they are. And if there’s something you want or need (like more regular praise, in this example), let your spouse know.

3. Don’t be so quick to play defense: It’s our natural response to become defensive when we feel attacked or blamed by our partner.

But as long as the criticism is constructive – and done in a polite and respectful manner — resist the urge to defend your position.

Defensiveness is sometimes rooted in wanting to be “right” during an argument and proving our spouse “wrong”. When this happens, our stubbornness takes over and all we care about is “winning” the argument.

Lose the courtroom mentality and instead focus on what your partner is saying and how her suggestions might make you a better person. It’s OK to allow someone to influence us in a positive way; that’s how we grow and change.

For more help for you and your partner, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

This article first appeared on 4therapy.com in April 2009.

1. Make requests, not demands. Spouses don’t usually think about how their language affects their partner. Look at the difference between the following questions: “Take out the garbage, will you?” and “Can you please take out the garbage?” The message is the same in both but the deliveries are very different, which will likely alter the outcome: Demands are usually met with resistance while polite requests are often well received.

Another mistake couples make is speaking in absolutes, meaning they tend to use the word “often” and “never” when addressing their spouse’s behavior. Words like “sometimes” or “usually” are usually much more accurate.

Also, I try to get couples to move away from an attacking or blaming stance to one of positive reinforcement. So, instead of saying “I’m sure you’ll be late. You’re always late” try “I really appreciate it when you’re on time. Can you please be here at 7 o’clock?”

2. Be a better listener. I cannot emphasize how important this is. So many couples either talk over one another or they formulate their own thoughts as their spouse talks to them. Others listen halfheartedly as they stare at a television or a computer screen. All of us have a basic need to be heard and understood, and when we don’t get that from our partner it often makes us feel angry and frustrated.

One way to practice better listening skills is called the “active listening exercise”. In this exercise, one person (let’s call her Jennifer) talks for 30 seconds about something important to her, using “I” statements. Her spouse (let’s call him Steve) looks directly at her and listens.

When the time is up, Steve paraphrases back to Jennifer what he just heard, using statements like “I heard you say…” or “You said…” It’s important that he not editorialize in any way. Then, Jennifer has the chance to say whether Steve heard her correctly or not.

This exercise is more than just a way to sharpen your listening skills. Just as important is attempting to understand the other person’s perspective. After all, the goal of any argument isn’t to win by proving who’s “right” but to achieve a mutual understanding and then develop a compromise.

3. Say and do positive things. It sounds so basic but it’s one of the hallmarks of any healthy relationship. Small gestures like calling your wife at work to ask how her presentation went, or remembering to buy olives at the grocery store because you know your husband likes them mean so much to your partner.

The message behind these actions is always the same: “I’m thinking about you and I care about you.” It’s these small, daily gestures, as opposed to the big and bold ones (the rare weekend getaway or dozen roses on your anniversary), that help cement the bond between you and your spouse. Also, it helps to create a cycle of goodwill between the two of you.

4. Communicate your sexual needs. Some couples I see complain about a poor, or absent, sexual relationship. In either case, lack of communication is often to blame. Too many couples muddle through unsatisfying sex or avoid sex and intimacy altogether — to the point where they’re living more like roommates than husband and wife, or partners. There are many dangers to this sort of relationship, including substance abuse and infidelity.

I understand how difficult it is for most couples to talk about sex — money being the other uncomfortable topic — but it’s so important to tell your partner what you like and what you don’t. It’s the only way to have a rich and satisfying sexual relationship for the long haul.

To that end, in my office I sometimes have couples complete the following sentences to one another: “I like it when you…” and “I don’t like it when you…” Invariably, one partner will say, “I never knew you felt that way.” For many couples, that’s the first step towards greater intimacy.

5. Practice assertiveness. Too many couples act in a passive or passive-aggressive way. Neither are healthy ways to communicate your needs. Instead of stifling your needs (passive) or expressing your needs in a sneaky way (passive-aggressive), tell your partner what you need in a polite and respectful but firm manner (assertive).

The reason most people don’t act assertively is that they want to please their spouse, or at least not disappoint him or her. But in doing so, they sacrifice their own needs, which often leaves them feeling angry and resentful.

Here’s an example from my practice: Susan was passionate about painting but she had long suppressed it because she felt guilty about not spending every night at home with her husband Tom. Her resentment for Tom grew, and she began to act rudely towards him, which left Tom confused.

I encouraged Susan to tell Tom she wanted to pursue her art, and she later did, telling him she’d like to sign up for a weekly course at the nearby college. Tom was supportive because he knew it would make Susan happy. In fact, he later commented on Susan’s improved mood, which in turn, led to a stronger relationship between the couple.

This article appeared on 4therapy.com in September 2008.

It’s that time of year again, when we decide to quit smoking, lose weight and spend more time with our family. It’s a new year, so how about a new you, right?

Yet few of us stick to our New Year’s resolutions for any sustainable period of time. (And many of us make the same ones year after year.) Just ask any health club manager. He’ll tell you that all those members who signed up so excitedly in January stopped coming around by St. Patrick’s Day, often sooner.

What’s worse, many who fail in their attempts to turn over a new leaf return to their vices with a vengeance; now the smokers have gone from one pack a day to two and the dieters have switched from tofu and celery to doughnuts and Doritos.

All of this begs the question: Why do we continue to make these empty promises to ourselves every year?

Of course, much of it has to do with our belief that the first day of the year is magical, transformative. For many of us, January 1st represents a clean slate, a new beginning, a fresh start – choose your euphemism, it’s all the same.

The truth is we’re no more likely to make a significant change in our lives between December 31 and January 1 than, for example, June 22 and June 23. January 1st is an artificial date for resolutions, much like February 14th is for romance. (If you love someone, do you really need a national reminder to show it, particularly with such banal gifts as roses and chocolate?)

We make changes for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we’ve hit rock bottom; we’ve had a brush with death, or we want to be a better role model for our children – none of which have anything to do with the date on the calendar.

When we make changes when we want to, rather than being influenced by the calendar, they have much more meaning to us. More importantly, it greatly increases the likelihood that we follow through with our plan.

A second problem is that declaring your New Year’s resolutions has become less about personal choice and more about societal expectation.

Each year between Christmas and New Year’s Day, friends and colleagues ask us about our resolutions for the upcoming year. We feel obligated to come up with something because everyone else seems to have made a resolution and we don’t want to feel left out or appear that we’re not trying to improve ourselves. So, we provide a canned response like “exercise more” without really meaning it, dooming ourselves to failure.

Another problem is that most people don’t understand how difficult it is to make changes. Lasting change takes time and often involves many fits and starts. That’s because old patterns die hard, even when we want to destroy them.

However, many of us believe that come January 1st we need to make a clean break with past behavior, or begin a new behavior altogether. So, people go cold turkey with their vice or they throw themselves headlong into some new activity like jogging and believe that some nebulous inner strength will act as a substitute for any real plan, one that involves accountability and measurable, realistic goals.

When we invariably slip up – and so many of us do — we tend to believe that we have failed in some deep and meaningful way and we return to our old ways. This is faulty thinking.

Ask any substance abuse counselor and she’ll tell you that relapse is not failure, it’s simply part of the recovery process. Most addicts require several relapses, of varying lengths, before complete abstinence.

To put it another way, change isn’t a sprint around the block; it’s two steps forward and one step back. Expect bumps in the road, embrace the little victories and keep moving in the direction of your goal.

A few tips on making changes:

• Keep it realistic and measurable (it’s easier to stick to a goal of 20 minutes of walking per day than the vague ‘work out a few times a week’)
• Limit yourself to one change at a time
• Do something you genuinely want to do rather than something you think you should do (for example, don’t vow to drop 30 pounds if what you really want to do is learn Japanese)

So, this year break from tradition and resist the temptation to make a New Year’s resolution. Instead, make changes at your own pace throughout the year. You’ll find that you’re happier and healthier for having done so.

This article appeared on 4therapy.com in December 2007.

I specialize in treating young adults, and recently several women in their 20s have come to see me because of their troubling relationships with their mothers.

These women are smart, ambitious, and otherwise successful in their careers and intimate relationships. But when it comes to their mothers, they haven’t developed the skills necessary to maintain healthy boundaries. Because of that, these young women enter therapy depressed, anxious, or sometimes both.

The mother-daughter relationship is complicated, particularly as the daughter becomes an adult. Since mothers often see their daughters as mirrors of themselves, they can be quick to point out their daughters’ flaws, damaging their self-esteem.

For their part, daughters can feel conflicted between pleasing their mothers, for whom they may feel a sense of obligation, and creating their own lives. In addition, adult daughters, more so than sons, tend to take on the responsibility of maintaining family harmony, which means they sometimes edit their feelings, or stifle them altogether.

“Carrie” (not her real name), 29, is an example of a woman with a painful relationship with her mother. Carrie likes her job as a public relations executive and she has a stable relationship with her boyfriend of two years. But nearly every time she gets off the phone with her mother she feels anxious, so much so that she had four panic attacks in the two weeks prior to seeing me.

The problem starts with Carrie’s mother. She tends to either make judgmental comments about Carrie’s appearance or activities, or passive-aggressive statements, such as “You know, I didn’t really mean that. You’re taking it the wrong way.”

In either case, Carrie feels hurt by her mother, and often manipulated. What’s worse, the few times Carrie has expressed anger or frustration at her mother, her mother has reacted poorly – hanging up the phone or refusing to speak to Carrie for several days. Scared that she will lose her mother’s love and feeling guilty for her mother’s pain, Carrie apologizes after these interactions. Later, she feels even worse because she’s always the one initiating reconciliation.

As a way to develop better boundaries with her mother, Carrie and I have focused on three main points:

1. Carrie is not responsible for her mother’s feelings, or for that matter, anyone else’s. Carrie didn’t “make” her mother angry, leading to her mother slamming the phone; instead, her mother chose to respond that way. There’s nothing to apologize for if Carrie expresses herself honestly and tactfully.

2. Be assertive. That means being polite and respectful, but also firm in getting your needs met. It also means owning your feelings and not blaming another person, so it’s important for Carrie to make “I” statements. (Example: “I know you want to help, but when you tell me what dress to buy I feel belittled and hurt.”

3. There is no “perfect” way to say something. Carrie sometimes avoids confrontations with her mother when she feels she can’t find the exact words to express a thought or feeling. More important than the language is the message.

In our brief time together, Carrie has worked hard at building healthier boundaries with her mother. She’s more assertive and she no longer rushes to apologize after an argument. And, as Carrie is happy to report, she hasn’t had a panic attack since starting therapy.

For more help creating boundaries with family members, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

This article appeared on 4therapy.com in April 2007.

“All work and no play makes [Jane] a dull [girl].” — John Bay

Forget dull! That’s the least of your worries. Try irritable, stressed-out, depressed and anxious. All work and no play makes for some serious health and relationship troubles.

Take for example Sandra (not her real name), a 36-year-old attorney for a high-profile law firm in Chicago. She typically works 65 hours a week, which includes several hours nearly every weekend. Sandra loves her job. It’s intellectually challenging, well paying and she likes most of her coworkers.

But the long hours have come at a cost. Her three-year marriage has become increasingly strained and she feels depressed much of the time.

Sandra’s troubles are typical of many of the clients I see in my private psychotherapy practice: women (and men), mostly in their 20s and 30s, who have great difficulty striking a balance between meeting the demands of their professional lives and finding fulfillment in their personal lives.

And it’s not just professional women who feel a lack of work-life balance. Many stay-at-home mothers feel the same sort of imbalance, the only difference being that their “office” is their home.

Regardless of the situation, overworked women often have similar symptoms: depression, anxiety, irritability and conflict or stress in their family or romantic relationships. The effects can be damaging and far-reaching: divorce, custody battles, substance abuse and health-related problems.

Often, work-life imbalance masquerades as depression, anxiety or marital discord. That’s why I like to ask my clients how many hours a week they work and how many hours a week they spend doing social or fun activities. The discrepancy sometimes startles them, as it did with Sandra.

Two major warning signs involve a recent upsurge in irritability with significant others and a decrease in energy level at home. Sleep and appetite are often affected as well; weight gain is common, as is interrupted sleep.

For many women, a work-life imbalance can evolve gradually, and so the problem often isn’t identified until it has reached near-crisis proportions.

How do you know if your work responsibilities start infringing on your well-being? Common warning signs of work-life imbalance include:

• Bringing work home, working until very late at night and/or working on weekends
• Consistently canceling social plans due to work obligations or deadlines
• Depressed mood and/or low energy
• Poor sleep (including work-related dreams)
• Short fuse with significant other and/or children
• Change in appetite and weight

It may start innocently enough. You take on a new client or project at work. Once your boss sees that you’ve smoothly handled that responsibility, he or she may ask for your assistance in future projects. Or if you’re a stay-at-home mother, it may begin with volunteering for an event at your child’s school, after which the staff may ask you to volunteer your time for other activities.

Before you realize it, you are routinely neglecting family and friends, and you are doing equally well at ignoring your own needs, like exercising, sleeping and connecting socially. In short, your work has taken over your life.

So, what to do to get it back? Fortunately, there are several simple techniques you can use.

1. Schedule social and personal time.
While it may seem like scheduling one more thing is contradictory to cutting back — particularly scheduling social or down time — carving out dedicated time may be the only way you actually do it. Just as you would a doctor’s appointment, put social activities and personal time into your calendar; in pen, not pencil.

Rebecca Rand, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, is a big proponent of this method. For example, she says, if your goal is to prepare healthy lunches for the week, take out your Palm Pilot, Treo or calendar and set aside one hour Sunday night to cook. Or if you want to reincorporate exercise into your life, make an appointment with yourself to go to the gym to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes every Tuesday at 7pm by punching that into your organizer.

The point is to move from a general or vague idea to a specific, time-limited behavior.

“There’s a greater likelihood it will happen if you schedule it. It’s important to set a specific time for it,” says Rand.

To further stick to your plan, Rand states that it’s important to tell others about these appointments, like a therapist, spouse or friend. “If you tell it to someone else, it makes it all the more concrete.”

2. Begin setting limits and boundaries with others.
Just because you’re smart and ambitious, you don’t have to volunteer for every new project or account at work. Remember, it’s quality, not quantity that you’re after. So, if you’re stretching yourself too thin, the quality of your work will likely suffer.

That’s why it’s important to give yourself permission to turn down new assignments.

To do this, practice assertive ways to say no. Like, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but with all of the other work I’ve got I don’t think I have the time to devote to a project like that.” Or, “Thank you for the offer, but I already have so much on my plate. When things slow down a little, I may be able to take on something new.”

The point is to be assertive with your colleagues and bosses, which means being polite and respectful but firm in your denial. You may ruffle a few feathers but consider the alternative: consistently working evenings and weekends.

Being assertive also means paying close attention to your needs and taking them seriously. For example, remind yourself of the importance of your Wednesday night yoga class or monthly book club meeting. Do you really want to miss out on these things?

Limit-setting is not only an effective technique for dealing with others. Anton Trinidad, a psychiatrist in Washington, DC, likes the idea of setting limits for yourself. An example is a “No work after 6pm” rule.

“So many women I see are excellent at organizing themselves at the office, but they have trouble organizing the rest of their lives,” he says.

Therefore, try applying some of the same rules that work so well at the office — time management, delegating responsibilities — to your personal life.

3. Ask for help.
At times, we all need some help from others. Contrary to what many people believe, asking others for help is not a sign of weakness but rather a mature and responsible approach to completing a task.

Aurelia Williams, a life coach in Washington, DC, says that too many women feel the burden of doing everything for everyone.

“A lot of women wind up doing a lot of things they don’t really want to do. They don’t ask others for help. Women take on the role of doing,” she says. “A lot of mothers look at asking for help as a sign of weakness. You do all of these things, and your family begins to look at you as a superhero. People eventually treat us as we portray ourselves.”

A 30-something woman with three children of her own, Williams has become very good at asking others — her spouse, older children and friends — for help. That, in turn, allows Williams to occasionally take time out for herself to get her nails done or enjoy a girls’ night out.

“Not only are you cheating yourself but you’re also cheating the rest of your family if you don’t take time out for yourself,” she says. “They notice the difference in my mood when I’ve done something nice for myself.”

4. Plan activities outside of the work day.
Your lunch break is an opportunity to enjoy some good food, socialize and, perhaps most importantly, temporarily change your environment. Take advantage by meeting a friend at a new restaurant or going for a walk.

Whatever you do, don’t eat at your desk. This is not a healthy practice, physically or mentally. Go outside and get some fresh air. The work will be there when you return, and you will likely come back refreshed and recharged.

Also, scheduling a healthy activity after work can be profoundly therapeutic, says Dr. Trinidad.

“It’s good to have an activity like yoga before heading home. It acts as a kind of stress reliever, so you don’t come home and yell at your kids,” he says.

Plan vacations, even three-day weekends, way ahead of time. For example, start thinking in April how you want to spend your Labor Day weekend. It’s important to schedule trips so that you have fun things to look forward to. Otherwise, your time at work can seem endless.

5. Remind yourself of your values and priorities.
Finally, you may need to reassess your values and remind yourself of the things that are most important in your life.

You probably won’t remember the Tuesday night you worked until 9, but you will fondly recall the weekend at the beach with friends or the cozy dinner at home with your partner. The extra money made by all the long hours at work is nice, but if you don’t have the time or energy to enjoy it, it won’t mean much.

This article appeared on ivillage.com in 2006.

Jennifer is a 29-year-old whose boyfriend of three years recently broke up with her. Since their split, Jennifer has had almost nowhere to turn. She has always been distant from her parents, and she has cultivated few close friendships over the years.

Often feeling alone and depressed, Jennifer has increasingly sought comfort in alcohol, drinking up to a bottle of wine several nights a week. Jennifer is often distracted and tired at work, and recently she has become concerned that her job may be in jeopardy.

Then there’s Lisa, 27, whose father died suddenly last year. Lisa is close to her mother and they talk often. She has a sensitive and caring boyfriend who listens without judgment.

In addition, Lisa has worked hard to develop and maintain a wide circle of close friends, from childhood and beyond. Many of them knew Lisa’s father and miss him too. They call her often, exchanging stories about her father, and sometimes they cry together. Bolstered by the support of those around her, Lisa now feels as if she has accepted her father’s death and recovered from it.

While Jennifer and Lisa suffered different kinds of losses, their stories highlight the fact that a good support system is like an emotional safety net during difficult times.

All of us experience loss at some point in our lives — emotional, physical, financial or otherwise — but it is the strength of our connections with others that largely helps determine how and when we bounce back.

“I think [one's support system] has an amazing amount of power,” says Sandra Koch, a psychologist in Minneapolis who specializes in grief and loss. “Connection with others is so important in a time of loss. We’ve lost a relationship, and now we’re trying to make sense of it.”

Psychiatrist Stephen Peterson, chairman of the department of psychiatry at Washington Hospital Center, in Washington, DC, puts it another way. “Grief is impossible to do by yourself, because it is so painful. We’re social creatures. We need the support of loved ones,” he says.

As Jennifer’s case illustrates, without a solid support system, many of us deal with grief in negative, and potentially self-destructive, ways. Like Jennifer, we may try to numb ourselves with alcohol or drugs. Some of us may quickly jump into a new relationship or job, while others deny or minimize the importance of the loss when discussing it with family or friends.

If you don’t have a strong support system, there are several ways to create one for yourself: Talk to a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, attend grief support groups (with an emphasis on recovery), go to church or synagogue for spiritual guidance.

Besides accessing your support system, here are four other helpful things to do following a loss:

1. Take good care of yourself

Make sure to eat well and get enough rest. It sounds simple, yet many people fail to do it. Grieving can be a draining experience — mentally and emotionally. It’s important to maintain your strength.

A downside to poor diet and sleep is that these things can bring about unwanted feelings, like irritability and anxiety, that have nothing to do with feelings related to the loss.

Here’s another potential pitfall: Because women are natural caretakers, they often bear the responsibility of taking care of everyone else’s needs, or they put others’ needs ahead of their own. Either way, women end up neglecting their own physical and emotional needs. This can occur with twice the intensity for women caught in the sandwich generation — those who have young children and aging parents.

Koch warns against this tendency for two reasons. It extends the time it takes to recover from a loss, and the griever misses out on the opportunity to receive the level of support she may have gotten had she grieved along with everyone else.

2. Educate your friends and family

Often, people don’t know what to say to those who are grieving, so they repeat what others have said to them, or what they’ve heard in movies or on television. Regardless of the source, these comments are rarely helpful.

Debi Jenkins Frankle, a licensed marriage and family therapist and trainer for the Grief Recovery Institute, in Los Angeles, has heard many foolish comments over the years. “People constantly say silly things, like, ‘At least he’s not suffering anymore,’ ‘Be strong’ or, ‘You have to keep busy.’ At best these comments are not helpful. At worst, they are downright harmful,” she says.

Such comments tend to downplay the griever’s true feelings, partly because so many of us are so uncomfortable with our own grief.

“Grievers don’t want intellectual information or advice,” Frankle says. “Ask them what happened, and then put both hands over your mouth. Let the griever talk… What people don’t realize is that grievers want to talk about the loss they’ve had and tell stories about that person.”

The griever should verbalize to family and friends what is most helpful and what is not. For example, you may want others to relate stories of the loved one, or you may simply just need them to listen.

Frankle believes honest communication is the key: “One of the best things you can say to a grieving person is, ‘I can’t imagine what this is like for you.’ Or, as the griever, you might say, ‘You know, right now I’m doing okay, but this morning was really not good.’”

3. Allow yourself time

Grieving almost always takes longer than expected. The process can be compounded by several factors: if the loss involved a significant person in your life, if there are conflicting or ambivalent feelings about the person, or if there are multiple losses simultaneously.

It’s important to remember that there is no statute of limitations on grieving — despite what others would have you believe.

“People expect the grieving to be over after a month or two,” says Raquel Selig, a licensed clinical social worker in Orlando, Florida. “But a lot of people just start to get into the grieving at the one-year anniversary. There’s often a numbness for the first few months.”

Koch agrees that genuine healing begins long after the first few months. “Our culture is quick to tell people to move on,” she says. “Right after a loss, people are generally pretty good about helping, but that ends after a month or so. But when people start to experience the loss at a deeper level, that’s when they really need the help.”

4. Look for meaning

Sometimes the loss of someone close to us can act as a wake-up call, providing the impetus for change in ourselves. We may reprioritize our values, our relationships, even our work.

Following a period of mourning, a feeling of carpe diem (“seize the day”) sometimes takes hold of people. “The loss of somebody important certainly makes you reconsider the relationships you have,” Selig says. “People will say, ‘I really like spending time with this person, and I don’t want to wait until he or she is gone.’”

A loss can also provide an opportunity to champion a cause. For example, Nancy Goodman Brinker established the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation in 1982 to honor her sister, Susan, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1978 and died three years later. Today the foundation is a global leader in funding breast cancer research grants and community-based outreach programs.

Either way, one’s life is forever changed. “And because of that, there are now new opportunities,” says Selig. “Ask yourself, what is important now, and how do I move forward?”

This article appeared on ivillage.com in 2006.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? Jack Frost is nipping at your nose, the turkey is roasting in the oven and your neighborhood is aglow in festive lights and holiday cheer.

So how come you’re so miserable? You may be experiencing the “holiday blues,” a combination of sadness and stress that affects many people this time of year, beginning with Thanksgiving and ending around New Year’s.

A major contributor to the “blues” is the unrealistic expectations many of us have of the holidays, due in no small part to movies, television and advertisements. Hollywood has long portrayed the winter holidays – particularly Christmas – as a time of magic and wonder (‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ are two examples). This creates a fantasy to have a sort of Norman Rockwell experience.

But when our lives, sometimes messy and complicated, don’t match these media messages, it’s easy to feel that we have failed in some deep and meaningful way.

“We have such high anticipation for the holidays and very unrealistic expectations,” says Atlanta psychologist Marjorie Blum. “It leaves us with this feeling of dread when our idealized views are not met.” Instead, Blum notes, “we need to expect imperfections in events and in ourselves, and expand and develop new traditions.”

Tradition and expectation are often intertwined at the holidays, and when the two are at odds, it’s easy to become frustrated or disappointed.

“We have traditions we like to follow at certain holidays and when someone wants to deviate, it gets those who want to retain them bent out of shape and uncomfortable,” says Jannette Robert Murray, a psychotherapist in Spokane, Washington.

Another factor for the “blues” is family. For most of us, the holidays mean getting together with our families. For some, unfortunately, our family is not the Hallmark version but a source of tension and conflict in which longstanding grudges often get played out.

So, while we may work hard all year at avoiding our family, at the holidays we come face-to-face with their foibles, whether it’s our uncle’s drinking problem or our mother’s not-so-subtle jabs at our parenting skills or relationship choices.

Family tension can often sap us of energy, which can already be in short supply at the holidays. That’s because we are busier than ever this time of year – cooking holiday meals, shopping for presents, attending parties, and traveling or hosting family and friends.

The increased social demands of the holidays typically affect women more than men.

“Women are so used to doing so much for everyone around them, and the stress becomes even greater around the holidays,” says Linda Stolarz, a psychotherapist in New York. “At the holidays there are so many more people to take care of, and add to that all of the shopping and cooking to do. And if you’ve also got work stuff to take care of, it can become a very stressful time.”

Making matters worse is that the good self-care we practice all year flies right out the window at the holidays. We stay up later than we normally do and don’t exercise as often as usual. On top of that, we tend to overindulge on sugary and fatty foods and alcohol, adding to our lethargy.

Compounding matters is the stress of increased traffic on the roads, large crowds at the malls (particularly if we waited to the last minute to do our shopping) and long lines at the airports and train stations. Finally, self-reflection plays a role, as many of us look back on the previous year to gauge our progress in different areas of our lives.

Sadly, we often give our losses – anything from the death of a loved one to our youngest child leaving the nest — considerably more weight than our gains. These losses are often exacerbated at holiday get-togethers for a variety of reasons. It may be the first Christmas or Hanukkah without a loved one or we may feel as if we “should” be happy because it is supposed to be such a joyous time.

Yes, the holidays can be a difficult time, but there are several things you can do to keep yourself happy and healthy. (If, however, feelings of sadness and stress continue into the new year, you should consult a mental health professional.)

1. Eat and drink in moderation
The holidays mean lots of parties where rich food and alcohol often take center stage.

“It’s a time of celebration and letting go,” says Blum. “The problem is our bodies are not geared for that all or nothing kind of behavior.”

So, while it’s tempting to have that third martini or second helping of pumpkin pie, the downsides are numerous and significant: hangovers and weight gain, to name just a few.

2. Set limits and boundaries with others
If family members are a source of stress, decide to spend only part of your time with them. Just because Aunt Sarah and Uncle Robert are in town for the Thanksgiving weekend, it doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute with them. Give yourself a break; set aside some time for yourself or with friends.

3. Ask others for help
As natural caretakers, women tend to take on most, if not all, of the social responsibilities this time of year. You will burn yourself out trying to do it all. Aim to be more of a manger than a one-woman show. Enlist your spouse, siblings or children to help cook, shop, pick up relatives at the airport, etc.

4. Maintain a regular exercise or self-care regimen
Even at a reduced amount (say, 20 minutes of brisk walking a day versus your usual 45 minutes on the Stairmaster), exercise will help keep you feeling good physically and emotionally. Getting enough rest is vital; take 20 minutes out of your day to put your feet up. Good self-care can also include treating yourself to a massage or manicure.

“Keep in mind that you deserve time, too,” Stolarz says. “It’s important to understand your own needs and not feel guilty about taking care of those needs.”

5. Set realistic goals for yourself
There is no such thing as the “perfect” gift, dinner party, or holiday experience. Perfection only sets us up for failure and disappointment. Be honest with what you can and cannot get done. This will save yourself, and those around you, a lot of headaches.

“Perhaps many of us need to scale down our expectations and our goals, and let as many others as possible take on some of the burden. Make it a holiday that gives from the heart rather than one that has a ton of ‘shoulds’ in our minds,” says Murray.

For more help managing holiday stress, call me at 202.588.1288 or email me at david@dctalktherapy.com

This article appeared on ivillage.com in January 2007.

Have you ever said to a friend, “I’m looking for my perfect job” or “I want to find the perfect man (or woman)?” If so, you are not alone. Far from it.

Unfortunately, we don’t do ourselves any favors by seeking perfection. Expecting perfection — in ourselves, others, our careers — is not only unrealistic, it is self-defeating.

We simply set ourselves up for failure by demanding perfection. That’s because there’s nowhere to go but down, even when all objective measures say you are successful. For example, when a child expects to get a score of 100% on every test in school, she will be disappointed when she gets a 93 – an otherwise fantastic score.

The same is true with adults. We may be in a good relationship or we may have a rewarding job. But when our reality doesn’t match our idealized notions of what a job or a mate is supposed to be, not only are we disappointed, we often become depressed, angry and resentful. We feel as if we have failed in some deep and meaningful way.

Perfectionistic thinking comes in different forms: We may think we have to lose five pounds to get that great body, or we think we must have a Norman Rockwell sort of holiday get-together.

This sort of thinking often comes from our families. Many of us were taught either implicitly or explicitly that we were loveable to our parents only if we performed at a high level in school, on the athletic field or on stage. We grew up thinking that if we’re not perfect we won’t be loved. Love was conditional; it wasn’t about who we were but what we did.

It’s important to change that belief to something more rational and self-affirming. Here are a few examples: “I’m going to do the best I can on this project” or “I’d like to meet someone who shares similar interests as me.”

Remove the word ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary. You will find you’ll be just as successful as before – and a whole lot happier.

This article appeared on 4therapy.com in April 2007.