Losing a loved one is never easy. But having a strong support system can dramatically help cushion the blow. Consider the stories of the following two 20-something women.

Jennifer is a 29-year-old whose boyfriend of three years recently broke up with her. Since their split, Jennifer has had almost nowhere to turn. She has always been distant from her parents, and she has cultivated few close friendships over the years.

Often feeling alone and depressed, Jennifer has increasingly sought comfort in alcohol, drinking up to a bottle of wine several nights a week. Jennifer is often distracted and tired at work, and recently she has become concerned that her job may be in jeopardy.

Then there's Lisa, 27, whose father died suddenly last year. Lisa is close to her mother and they talk often. She has a sensitive and caring boyfriend who listens without judgment.

In addition, Lisa has worked hard to develop and maintain a wide circle of close friends, from childhood and beyond. Many of them knew Lisa's father and miss him too. They call her often, exchanging stories about her father, and sometimes they cry together. Bolstered by the support of those around her, Lisa now feels as if she has accepted her father's death and recovered from it.

While Jennifer and Lisa suffered different kinds of losses, their stories highlight the fact that a good support system is like an emotional safety net during difficult times.

All of us experience loss at some point in our lives — emotional, physical, financial or otherwise — but it is the strength of our connections with others that largely helps determine how and when we bounce back.

"I think [one's support system] has an amazing amount of power," says Sandra Koch, a psychologist in Minneapolis who specializes in grief and loss. "Connection with others is so important in a time of loss. We've lost a relationship, and now we're trying to make sense of it."

Psychiatrist Stephen Peterson, chairman of the department of psychiatry at Washington Hospital Center, in Washington, DC, puts it another way. "Grief is impossible to do by yourself, because it is so painful. We're social creatures. We need the support of loved ones," he says.

As Jennifer's case illustrates, without a solid support system, many of us deal with grief in negative, and potentially self-destructive, ways. Like Jennifer, we may try to numb ourselves with alcohol or drugs. Some of us may quickly jump into a new relationship or job, while others deny or minimize the importance of the loss when discussing it with family or friends.

If you don't have a strong support system, there are several ways to create one for yourself: Talk to a therapist who specializes in grief and loss, attend grief support groups (with an emphasis on recovery), go to church or synagogue for spiritual guidance.

Besides accessing your support system, here are four other helpful things to do following a loss:

1. Take good care of yourself

Make sure to eat well and get enough rest. It sounds simple, yet many people fail to do it. Grieving can be a draining experience — mentally and emotionally. It's important to maintain your strength.

A downside to poor diet and sleep is that these things can bring about unwanted feelings, like irritability and anxiety, that have nothing to do with feelings related to the loss.

Here's another potential pitfall: Because women are natural caretakers, they often bear the responsibility of taking care of everyone else's needs, or they put others' needs ahead of their own. Either way, women end up neglecting their own physical and emotional needs. This can occur with twice the intensity for women caught in the sandwich generation — those who have young children and aging parents.

Koch warns against this tendency for two reasons. It extends the time it takes to recover from a loss, and the griever misses out on the opportunity to receive the level of support she may have gotten had she grieved along with everyone else.

2. Educate your friends and family

Often, people don't know what to say to those who are grieving, so they repeat what others have said to them, or what they've heard in movies or on television. Regardless of the source, these comments are rarely helpful.

Debi Jenkins Frankle, a licensed marriage and family therapist and trainer for the Grief Recovery Institute, in Los Angeles, has heard many foolish comments over the years. "People constantly say silly things, like, 'At least he's not suffering anymore,' 'Be strong' or, 'You have to keep busy.' At best these comments are not helpful. At worst, they are downright harmful," she says.

Such comments tend to downplay the griever's true feelings, partly because so many of us are so uncomfortable with our own grief.

"Grievers don't want intellectual information or advice," Frankle says. "Ask them what happened, and then put both hands over your mouth. Let the griever talk… What people don't realize is that grievers want to talk about the loss they've had and tell stories about that person."

The griever should verbalize to family and friends what is most helpful and what is not. For example, you may want others to relate stories of the loved one, or you may simply just need them to listen.

Frankle believes honest communication is the key: "One of the best things you can say to a grieving person is, 'I can't imagine what this is like for you.' Or, as the griever, you might say, 'You know, right now I'm doing okay, but this morning was really not good.'"

3. Allow yourself time

Grieving almost always takes longer than expected. The process can be compounded by several factors: if the loss involved a significant person in your life, if there are conflicting or ambivalent feelings about the person, or if there are multiple losses simultaneously.

It's important to remember that there is no statute of limitations on grieving — despite what others would have you believe.

"People expect the grieving to be over after a month or two," says Raquel Selig, a licensed clinical social worker in Orlando, Florida. "But a lot of people just start to get into the grieving at the one-year anniversary. There's often a numbness for the first few months."

Koch agrees that genuine healing begins long after the first few months. "Our culture is quick to tell people to move on," she says. "Right after a loss, people are generally pretty good about helping, but that ends after a month or so. But when people start to experience the loss at a deeper level, that's when they really need the help."

4. Look for meaning

Sometimes the loss of someone close to us can act as a wake-up call, providing the impetus for change in ourselves. We may reprioritize our values, our relationships, even our work.

Following a period of mourning, a feeling of carpe diem ("seize the day") sometimes takes hold of people. "The loss of somebody important certainly makes you reconsider the relationships you have," Selig says. "People will say, 'I really like spending time with this person, and I don't want to wait until he or she is gone.'"

A loss can also provide an opportunity to champion a cause. For example, Nancy Goodman Brinker established the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation in 1982 to honor her sister, Susan, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1978 and died three years later. Today the foundation is a global leader in funding breast cancer research grants and community-based outreach programs.

Either way, one's life is forever changed. "And because of that, there are now new opportunities," says Selig. "Ask yourself, what is important now, and how do I move forward?"

This article appeared on ivillage.com in 2006.

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