It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? Jack Frost is nipping at your nose, the turkey is roasting in the oven and your neighborhood is aglow in festive lights and holiday cheer.

So how come you’re so miserable? You may be experiencing the “holiday blues,” a combination of sadness and stress that affects many people this time of year, beginning with Thanksgiving and ending around New Year’s.

A major contributor to the “blues” is the unrealistic expectations many of us have of the holidays, due in no small part to movies, television and advertisements. Hollywood has long portrayed the winter holidays – particularly Christmas – as a time of magic and wonder (‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ are two examples). This creates a fantasy to have a sort of Norman Rockwell experience.

But when our lives, sometimes messy and complicated, don’t match these media messages, it’s easy to feel that we have failed in some deep and meaningful way.

“We have such high anticipation for the holidays and very unrealistic expectations,” says Atlanta psychologist Marjorie Blum. “It leaves us with this feeling of dread when our idealized views are not met.” Instead, Blum notes, “we need to expect imperfections in events and in ourselves, and expand and develop new traditions.”

Tradition and expectation are often intertwined at the holidays, and when the two are at odds, it’s easy to become frustrated or disappointed.

“We have traditions we like to follow at certain holidays and when someone wants to deviate, it gets those who want to retain them bent out of shape and uncomfortable,” says Jannette Robert Murray, a psychotherapist in Spokane, Washington.

Another factor for the “blues” is family. For most of us, the holidays mean getting together with our families. For some, unfortunately, our family is not the Hallmark version but a source of tension and conflict in which longstanding grudges often get played out.

So, while we may work hard all year at avoiding our family, at the holidays we come face-to-face with their foibles, whether it’s our uncle’s drinking problem or our mother’s not-so-subtle jabs at our parenting skills or relationship choices.

Family tension can often sap us of energy, which can already be in short supply at the holidays. That’s because we are busier than ever this time of year – cooking holiday meals, shopping for presents, attending parties, and traveling or hosting family and friends.

The increased social demands of the holidays typically affect women more than men.

“Women are so used to doing so much for everyone around them, and the stress becomes even greater around the holidays,” says Linda Stolarz, a psychotherapist in New York. “At the holidays there are so many more people to take care of, and add to that all of the shopping and cooking to do. And if you’ve also got work stuff to take care of, it can become a very stressful time.”

Making matters worse is that the good self-care we practice all year flies right out the window at the holidays. We stay up later than we normally do and don’t exercise as often as usual. On top of that, we tend to overindulge on sugary and fatty foods and alcohol, adding to our lethargy.

Compounding matters is the stress of increased traffic on the roads, large crowds at the malls (particularly if we waited to the last minute to do our shopping) and long lines at the airports and train stations. Finally, self-reflection plays a role, as many of us look back on the previous year to gauge our progress in different areas of our lives.

Sadly, we often give our losses – anything from the death of a loved one to our youngest child leaving the nest -- considerably more weight than our gains. These losses are often exacerbated at holiday get-togethers for a variety of reasons. It may be the first Christmas or Hanukkah without a loved one or we may feel as if we “should” be happy because it is supposed to be such a joyous time.

Yes, the holidays can be a difficult time, but there are several things you can do to keep yourself happy and healthy. (If, however, feelings of sadness and stress continue into the new year, you should consult a mental health professional.)

1. Eat and drink in moderation
The holidays mean lots of parties where rich food and alcohol often take center stage.

“It’s a time of celebration and letting go,” says Blum. “The problem is our bodies are not geared for that all or nothing kind of behavior.”

So, while it’s tempting to have that third martini or second helping of pumpkin pie, the downsides are numerous and significant: hangovers and weight gain, to name just a few.

2. Set limits and boundaries with others
If family members are a source of stress, decide to spend only part of your time with them. Just because Aunt Sarah and Uncle Robert are in town for the Thanksgiving weekend, it doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute with them. Give yourself a break; set aside some time for yourself or with friends.

3. Ask others for help
As natural caretakers, women tend to take on most, if not all, of the social responsibilities this time of year. You will burn yourself out trying to do it all. Aim to be more of a manger than a one-woman show. Enlist your spouse, siblings or children to help cook, shop, pick up relatives at the airport, etc.

4. Maintain a regular exercise or self-care regimen
Even at a reduced amount (say, 20 minutes of brisk walking a day versus your usual 45 minutes on the Stairmaster), exercise will help keep you feeling good physically and emotionally. Getting enough rest is vital; take 20 minutes out of your day to put your feet up. Good self-care can also include treating yourself to a massage or manicure.

“Keep in mind that you deserve time, too,” Stolarz says. “It’s important to understand your own needs and not feel guilty about taking care of those needs.”

5. Set realistic goals for yourself
There is no such thing as the “perfect” gift, dinner party, or holiday experience. Perfection only sets us up for failure and disappointment. Be honest with what you can and cannot get done. This will save yourself, and those around you, a lot of headaches.

“Perhaps many of us need to scale down our expectations and our goals, and let as many others as possible take on some of the burden. Make it a holiday that gives from the heart rather than one that has a ton of ‘shoulds’ in our minds,” says Murray.

This article appeared on ivillage.com in January 2007.